My experience having a miscarriage… How better to spend the holidays than trying to make a family? We’ve been trying for two and a half years now, but we really wanted to dedicate ourselves to it. No, not by locking ourselves in the bedroom with whip cream, but by going to foothills of the Bavarian Alps.
The princesses of Bavaria used to come here and sit in mud baths when they were having trouble “producing” the next heir to the throne. Recently, the mud from the marshes here have been scientifically proven to aid in fertility.
So, we jumped in the car with our cross country skis, downhill skis and ice skates and headed to the town of Bad Kohlgrub for sixteen days of pampering – all in the name of starting a family.
Bavarian Mud Bath for Fertility
Every other day after breakfast we headed to the hotel’s spa in our robe for the mud bath. The spa assistant helped me get in and it was up to me to wedge my way into the thick porridge.
Once I was submerged up to my neck, she placed a cold copper spiral on my heart to help alleviate the stress on my circulatory system. The warmth was soothing and the mud was great for playing swamp monster with – Richard gave me the idea.
After only ten minutes, someone came in to help me back out. And I could tell that my body had had enough, the sweat was pouring down my face.
Before going on with my ‘Having a Miscarriage’ blog, let’s consider the symptoms women get when in early pregnancy.
- Swollen breasts
- Darker and larger areolas
- Morning sickness
- Abdominal enlargement
- Mood swings
- Increased urination
- Excessive salivation
- Bloating and gas
I Must Be Fertile!
How could mud possibly help us where modern medicine failed?
I’m not sure but when we got home my period was late. When I took the pregnancy test, that I was all too used to taking, it no longer had the infamous empty white space, but had a solid “pregnant” line.
I took the test into my shaking hand and walked to our bedroom where Richard was still sleeping. I said his name once and due to the tears pouring out of my eyes and my shaky voice he sat straight up in bed thinking I was upset. I said the words I had wanted to say for the last two and a half years, “We’re pregnant!” I was in a dream.
We talked about how far the baby was, we calculated the due date and we hugged countless times. Telling my family and his filled our evening. They were so happy for us knowing we wanted this so much.
My body was clearly changing. My abdomen was swollen; I was exhausted and happy beyond words: all telltale signs of pregnancy.
The day went by with a feeling of delighted shock. The next was about the same.
I lay in bed that night, however, wide awake. I felt like someone had secretly given me two pots of coffee.
“Maybe this is what happens when you are pregnant,” I thought to myself.
Something Didn’t Feel Right- Was I Having a Miscarriage?
The next morning I woke up and to my complete shock I did not feel pregnant. The symptoms were gone. I felt empty.
I denied it. Then I dressed and we headed off to our scheduled doctor appointment to confirm our pregnancy.
We both had a strange feeling. Should we have waited to tell our families until the doctor confirmed the pregnancy? Did we doubt the results?
We didn’t talk about any of this. I merely mentioned it and Richard confirmed that the thought crossed his mind. We changed to topic.
Most Common Symptoms of Having a Miscarriage
Let’s quickly look at the most common symptoms women experience when having a miscarriage:
- Vaginal bleeding
- Cramping and pain in your lower abdomen
- Discharge of fluid from your vagina
- Discharge of tissue from your vagina
- Symptoms of pregnancy disappear, such as feeling sick and breast tenderness
The Examination to See If I Was Having a Miscarriage
The doctor was surprised that we had gotten pregnant naturally. While heading into the ultrasound room he told me to get undressed behind the curtain. He then asked me the question. Do you feel pregnant?
I froze. What should I answer? I haven’t told Richard yet that my pregnancy symptoms were gone as of this morning. I had nothing to say.
Richard filled the silence with yes she has been so hot the past two days. I quickly finished getting undressed and sat onto the exam table without saying a word.
The ultrasound wand was inserted in my vagina, but the doctor couldn’t see anything yet. He seemed a little bothered by this. My blood was drawn and we were sent home to wait for the results.
The Pregnancy Wait
While eating lunch we flinched at every sound. Then Richard’s phone rang. I have heard his phone ring no less than a hundred times, but for some reason I jumped up and ran up the stairs thinking it was my phone.
The stress hormones were flowing through my body when I heard Richard shouting that it was his phone. I picked up his phone for him and it was one of his customers. Ugh!!!
An eternity passed as I worked on my computer waiting for that ring on my cell phone. It came. I grabbed the phone and before long the person from the clinic said, “You’re pregnant!”
I was so happy. I was actually pregnant. The voice in my head said that I now have to ignore that I am not feeling pregnant anymore because this is proof that I was wrong.
Still Something Wasn’t Right
Intuition isn’t keen on been ignored, however, and as the days went by my feeling was heavy and empty. I became crabby and realized I was denying my feelings.
On the way home from lunch I slipped into the drug store and picked up another pregnancy test. The line should be darker if I truly am pregnant, I theorized. I peed on the stick and the line wasn’t there. I stared in disbelief. Slowly, very slowly a line began to appear. I had to concentrate to see if it was there at all.
I showed Richard. He was upset. “This doesn’t mean anything,” he said. “You took the first test in the morning, so you can’t compare it to this one.”
I had to agree with him. I confronted my feelings though and realized I needed to get another blood test. Something was not right. Was I miscarrying? I was not waiting 6 days to find out.
How Can You Have a Miscarriage and Not Know?
The words that came out of my mouth were hesitant and awkward. How can I convince them to give me another blood test? Will they do it because I have a feeling? I needed to know if I was still pregnant. The lady on the phone wasn’t convinced so she asked the supervisor. When she came back on she said I could come in tomorrow at 8:00.
The next morning I stood at the counter to check in. The lady behind the counter asked me how I was. I didn’t know what to say.
Like a robot I had my blood taken. She asked me if I wanted to call for the results or if they should call me.
“Which way will I get the results faster?” I asked.
She looked confused and said, “We’ll call you.”
The Results- Was I Now Having a Miscarriage?
They had called last time at 1:00. So at around 1:30 I was getting impatient. Apparently, I was not the only one because Richard blurted out at 1:50, “Oh, just call them!”
I realized he was right. Why wait. I’m calling. I picked up our cordless phone and dialed the number. She picked up and put me on hold while she was looking for the results. What could be taking so long? The seconds turned into minutes. She jumped back on and said she was still looking for my file and that I shouldn’t hang up.
Five minutes, six minutes, it was killing me. A loud beep interrupted the elevator music on the line. But she didn’t get back on. Huh? I waited. The beep came again. Then the line fell silent. What the hell?
Richard asked to see the phone. The screen was blank. The battery had died. “You can’t be serious!” I said.
I grabbed the number to call back. It was 2:05. I got a recording that they close at 2:00 on Friday. Oh my God, this can’t be happening!
We should drive there. But the doors will be locked. I can’t wait until Monday to find out the results. There is an emergency number, but this isn’t really an emergency.
The Dreaded Phone Call
Then my cell phone rang. Thank god it was the fertility clinic. She said we had been disconnected. I know, get to the point, I thought. Then she said it. My values had dropped.
My eyes welled with tears. “Is there any hope?” I pleaded.
She said, “Not really”.
I managed to ask her if I should still take the progesterone, and she said yes. I began to cry. I couldn’t hold it back.
“We need to make an appointment for next week. How about Wednesday?” she said. I cried. “This is bad for you isn’t it?” she asked surprised.
How could it not be, I asked myself. “No, let’s get you in sooner. How about Monday morning?” she said. I let out a squeaky yes and hung up the phone.
I lost it. There are no other words. I curled up on top of the comforter on my bed and cried so hard. Every part of me was aching. I had suspected this since Wednesday, but now it was reality. Richard crawled into bed with me and held my hand as I gasped for air. This couldn’t be true. My baby is gone I cried!
Hours passed as I oscillated between crying uncontrollably and sobbing with the hopes that the bed would swallow me whole. Then I felt it, Richard was crying too. I looked at him for the first time since we received the news and saw that his eyes were filled with tears and his eyelashes were matted to his face. I rubbed his hand and he lay down next to me. We held each other tight and we continued to cry.
My thoughts shifted as the daylight began to fade into evening. I need to tell my family. I sent out an email with the bad news crying as I wrote each line:
“On Tuesday night I couldn’t sleep. On Wednesday I had the blood test to confirm I was pregnant, but I knew something wasn’t right. All my pregnancy symptoms were gone and I felt totally different. I decided to stop denying it and I made an appointment. I went in today and they said I will miscarry. Richard and I are struggling, but we are going to be OK. We will be staying home this weekend to watch movies. We probably won’t answer the phone.”
My sobbing turned into crying and I tore my glasses off and dropped them onto the keyboard. Richard came over toward me. In a surge of anger I slammed my laptop shut crushing my glasses with the screen, “This is so unfair!”
The Reality of Having a Miscarriage Set In
Richard placed his hand on my back knowing I didn’t want a hug. After my breathing began to get deeper and more regular Richard asked me to get up. He gave me another hug and suggested we go get those movies and pick up some dinner.
With puffy eyes, I climbed into the car. In the stores, I kept my head down and tried not to think about the reason I was spending my weekend this way.
Armed with nacho ingredients for ten, ice cream for a week and seven movies Richard and I returned home. There are no rules this weekend: this was our unspoken rule.
The weekend passed by in a blur with movies and walks. The shades were drawn as we settled in for our movie marathon. After each movie we’d go for a walk under the grey sky. This is where we found ourselves dealing with the reality of having a miscarriage.
We talked about our sadness and disappointment of miscarrying. At the end of each walk we were one step closer to getting through this, but also emotionally exhausted. It was like we handled our grief in portions, padding it between the reality escape that great movies provide.
Healing After My Miscarriage
Sunday night came much quicker than I expected. It was hard to imagine going back to life as usual, but I feel like that weekend really helped me heal. I knew there may be a few more crying spells in me, but I felt like I was now looking forward.
Richard and I were already even talking about the positive side to all this: We can get pregnant naturally.
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